running away.

thats what I do best.

everyone is blogging and updating when I seriously cannot be bothered.. I just want to let this place rot. and avoid the laptop and internet like the plague.

its a form of escapism, you know? to stop updating urself about whats going on with the rest of the world cus there is too much to deal with oneself.. okay this probably contradicts my earlier post but I am feeling pretty confused now.

and I don’t wanna feel that way, cus I need to stop wasting time and focus on my work, work, work!

its like I just want this A lvl shit to be my everything right now and just LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST. seriously, honestly.. thats DAMN FUCKING SELFISH.

but I think I can focus more that way.

just me, and my As, and school and friends. that sounds like everything but there is a difference la.

I dont know how to say it. but you know, I just hate to go online these days. open my inbox and see a whole lotta updates. it scares me and freaks me out. its like overload when I am already in overload mode. not working, not good.

urghhhh.

so anyway, bottom line is, I am going to stay away from this lappy and the internet for as long as I can tahan. and throw away all the unnecessary distractions.

not gonna blog for the longest time.

so maybe I’ll be back after As? who knows.

bye blog, bye guys. ciao:) and yes, just bring it on baby!

TO HELL WITH A LEVELS. LETS GO THERE AND WHACK IT!

rachel, just let it all go. run and don’t look back. don’t let anything hold you back.

move, don’t stagnate.

realisation, enlightenment.

tonight, just minutes ago, I realised I am so small, so insignificant, so pathetic, so useless.

I feel like crap. no,  this isnt yet another of my angsty posts. this may just signal a change in my life, a turning point, and I want to mark this date down.

I need to start getting a life, a meaningful life, one which is not just about me but the people I care about.

all those trivial stuff, all those superficial shit, all those wants, all those things I don’t need.

I really cannot be bothered anymore.

why haven’t I been more observant about whats going on around me? my mind has been wandering and I had failed to see what is really important.

sorry, I really feel so sorry for missing you out. you, you and you too. to everyone whom I have  not cared about enough. I am so sorry.

as a friend, as a person I am so useless. I wish I could be there when you need me, when you need me more than I would need myself. when my strength could be yours for awhile, when my warmth could be passed onto you, when you needed that extra bit of love and comfort.

I need to start looking around, and looking deeper from this moment onwards. life is not just about living and getting it over and done with. I want to truly live each day with meaning, objective and to really make an effort to live my life together with the ones I love and care about. to live not only for myself but to be living for them, to support them and to love them.

I am sorry. and I love you. God will be with you, and I thank God for you, for coming into my life:) Be strong che:) I am always here.

gahhhhhh.

erase all that you remember. take them all away.

I want a clean break from the past. cus I have become someone I barely know.

let me pretend I hadnt changed one bit and start from where I ended the last time.

turn back time.

what I need to be happy?

a time machine. turn the hands of time. back back backwards. PLEASE.

12.42am.

my downloading failzzzzzzzz. wasted my time. SIGH.

whats wrong with my comp omgggggg.

argh technology can really bring me down…

omg like a whole week of not coming online and so much has happened.

I mean sooooo much to catch up on people’s blog, fb and stuff.

I feel so lost in information, I don’t know so much, lost track of so many people’s lives.

Am I supposed to feel this way? everything should be fine right? just like that?

one more. but its over to me.

woke up at 2pm and sang for 7 hrs yesterday.

just wanna take a nice break from all this crap exams and then quickly get back my results and do a fast emo and then zooooom towards As at lightning speed. and then in a blink of an eye, it would be over. and say hi to 9 to 5 working hrs, mthly income and shopping sprees. yay. I’m lovin it already.

F1 rocks today! YAY. and I’m gn be screaming in front of the teevee again:)

not okay.

today sucks. I hate today. fuck today. fuck off. fuck everything you said.  I hate this. I want to leave. I just want a hug, a pat on the head, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, an escape. I want to destroy, I want to hurt, I want to go  into a deep deep sleep. I want to feel out of this world. I want to feel numb. I want to feel a throbbing pain to cover up all the sadness. I want to stop crying. I want to stop ranting like this. But now, it seems like the only way to let it all go for awhile. It doesn’t really help. I am useless. I’ve been called worst things. But this hurts  the most. You don’t get it, I don’t get it. you don’t understand. I wanna give up, show you I could just leave and say goodbye. show you that I dare to defy everything. I dare to be bad. show you that I can do things that can ruin everything, that can disappoint. I want to squeeze, hit something really really hard. release my strength, release the anger. release. I feel trapped, muted. I am stuck. I am bounded. I am afraid. I am alone. I need to feel angry again. I need to let every bit out. I need to shout and scream and grab someone by the shoulders and look into the eyes and let him/her see what I really feel. I am going insane. I am losing grip, losing faith, losing the strength. very soon, there would be no fear to hold me back, if I keep telling myself to do it. I will. and then, you can cry and feel guilty and I don’t really care. at least at that moment, you know what I went through, and its something you didn’t even care about or thought it mattered. stop telling me what to do. stop ganging up against. stop making me feel like I am losing. stop convincing me that you really don’t give a damn about hearing me out. stop acting like I am in the wrong. I am not. I am not. I am not. after saying so much, I still don’t feel better. words just fail.

I need to go study now. enough.  don’t bother all this shit up there. don’t get concerned. its nothing. just ignore it.  you never saw that, I never said that.

and I just grabbed my stuff, stood up, hung my head low, tried to hide the emotions, and walked out. you never saw the tears. I’m never coming back. and u have urself to blame. feel guilty. it would make me happy.

{pls don’t leave any comments. thanks}

oooooh bsb has a new song! i think its a great comeback song and the video is like kinda cool cus they are vampires which reminds me of their everybody song. yeah man. go listen. “straight to the heart”

tmr’s the VMAs!!!

I look permanently stressed.

but that doesnt mean I feel STRESSED ALL THE TIME haha.

its just sth wrong with my face la, I tend  to look like I just wanna pull out my hair and I look like I haven’t slept in centuries cus of my eyebags and I always look emo dont know why.

SO YES. I AM FINE PEOPLE:)

just recovered from my double paper killer. I am not giddy anymore. finally. feeling dazed, still, though.

thanks to all for ur concern… you know who you are. I am touched. really. love love love. alot of unexpected gestures… really feel loved at the end of this horrible day. THANK YOU<3

and all e best to all my friends suffering from this fate of finally getting over and done with a double paper today and having another on wednesday. school is dumb. history and lit is the ultimate torture.

it is oppressive, brutal and we should just resist against it man. omg. MY MIND FEELS TORMENTED. MY HAND FEELS ABUSED. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. LOL. this is making me laugh. ok I siao alrdy..

almost puked halfway thru my lit exam. wanted to raise my hand and wave the white flag i.e my blank pieces of foolscap paper. really CMI. I was like writing in some stupid handwriting and my hands were cramping prematurely. must be history. which well, made history.

cus rachel goh spotted, and only 1 qn she studied came out. halleluiah.

well to sum it up: a levels is still impossible. after 3 papers down. and 5 to go.

hope to make the 5 better though. I want to do my best. and better than what shit I did today and ytd.

gosh dont talk to me abt gp. my B flew away. I think I’m dropping back to a D. shit.

GO GO GO. yes. my surname. GOH GOH GOH.

people I love you. ADD OIL OK!

things actly arent that bad, right? haha. cross my fingers and my toes >.<

you guys keep me strong and alive:)

Fly Away

這一次　是我自己為自己下的決定  
很小心　你說慢慢來別怕來不及  
如果我　還有一點點不安或者遲疑  
我不會　對你的反應那麼好奇  

落葉啊　其實也很不願意  
其實也不想回憶　誰沒等到錯過了流星  
我們啊　交集在這意外的假期  
一定哪裡見過你　一定曾經夢見你  

Fly away　無窮無盡是你深邃的眼睛  
看著你　就可以讓我茫茫人海裡感到安定  
Fly away　當我不顧一切無止盡追尋  
有一個人　有一顆心　早已經默默之中在那裡  

這一次　問我自己都說我毫不懷疑  
愛上你　終於我發現我還有勇氣  
唯一我　覺得遺憾的是我不夠仔細  
不了解　你說那一些話的用意  

幾乎是　所有時間在想你  
快樂之後是壓抑　有沒有過這樣的呼吸  
幸福啊　只要一個眼神的交集  
我們擁抱著刺激　我們渴望著相遇  

Fly away 當我不顧一切無止盡追尋  
是你的人　是你的心　日日夜夜陪我在這裡

ohmygosh. sec2.

this is what I need to pull me back from moving on too fast in life.

some may say its bad. but I like to, no, I LOVE to, hang on to the past.

Cus that helps remind me of who I used to be, and perhaps, who I really am inside.

I wanna go back go back go back.

these tears don't make time travel.

what can?

feeling like this is gn take a long time.

my holidays can very much be summed up in this way:

airport+tamplib+girlfriends+eclub+libraryboy+highlighting+post-its+sleeping

+JIAOZIMIAN+ham&cheesepancakes+notes+papers+poddy+MORESLEEPING:(

I slept and ate more than anything, really.

today is GP, SEA History, and dear ol’ paper 4.

thats like WOAH.

I am seriously so laidback and NOT freaking out, I’m getting worried.

I really miss rachel back in 2007. that girl would be freaking out now. but actually she did so much she was actually prepared. somehow. and she always did her best.

yeah I really do regret losing her along the way. this is sad.

够不够.